ABACADABRA

Fuck being good I’m a bad bitch

While all the other girlies are leaving their villain era and entering their “soft girl” era, I am entering my official villain era.  This is on brand for me as I tend towards going with a trend when it’s less trendy.  I have been there, done that with my soft girl shit.  And I am not saying I am choosing hardness, what I am saying is I am deeply committed to protecting the softness within me with a ferocity I have not felt before.  I feel that I truly had to become villainized in order to come to the point of embracing it and it's deeply liberating. I understand now how much I was restricting myself from being completely expressed and in my power.  This is after YEARS of shadow work, spiritual development and honing my faith and magickal practices into what works for me. This is after a year working with the word Confidence and being faced with every possible obstacle to push me into not loving myself and walking the world as such.

  I have always been adverse to authority and extreme dogma, yet the way I was expressing was often in a way to curate an image of likeability, “goodness” and shrinking of myself in order to be palatable to not only the outside world, but to elders I desperately wanted the love, approval and acceptance of. So the way I have been existing, essentially has been counter to the truth of who I am and working with Confidence has exposed that reality to me. The performance of goodness and over humility has been so destructive to me and now that I have had the hard lesson that even if I strive for approval, people will choose to interpret my words and actions through the lens of their projections of self onto me. No amount of performance or contortion can shift that way of perception when one is dead set on believing me to be acting with malice or manipulation.  

So this year I am moving differently.  As I inch my way to 40 I feel so much more powerful and less restricted in my self expression.  I was outwardly trying to conform while inwardly I knew it was wrong wrong wrong!  I bypassed my intuition and tried  to gaslight myself into thinking I was somehow wrong or off about shit when I FUCKING KNEW BETTER. The passing of my dear friend is teaching me so much about love and authenticity and being true to oneself. That is how she lived.  She is a fierce guide to me now, and as I integrate this practice of seeing myself through her eyes, and through the eyes those that KNOW and UNDERSTAND me I am witnessing my power, beauty and strength so much more and I am done minimizing and diminishing it as  a show of excessive self deprecation.  I am no longer shrinking the expansiveness of my existence for others' comfort just because they live in fear, lack and in a state of distrust in everyone.  Like folks that think everyone is acting against them are really the mother fuckers living in deception and behaving in this way in relation to the world!  And I refuse to live like that!  You can have your lies and bullshit excuses!  I live in TRUTH and know my DIVINITY and POWER and I am not going to walk around any other way than the pretty, magical ass witch and artist that I am.  

Abracadabra means “I will create as has been spoken”. This is my word. It’s a powerhouse for word of the year but I don’t fuck around with small anymore.  I have survived so much, seen and felt too much to live in some feigned denial about the reality of my magick and connection to the unseen world.  I am no longer minimizing my real life experience and true gifts.  To me, this word encompasses personal power and alchemy.  I am the Empress, the High Priestess, the Magician. I bring forth the archetypes within myself to suit the energetic requirements for any given moment because I am smiled upon by spirit and my ancestors.  I am held, protected and divinely guided and my life is proof of that.  I know my darkness and that scares away some people. And I am realizing that perhaps I ought to allow my intensity and depth to freak people the fuck out.  You wouldn't BELIEVE how much I hold back because I worry I will scare folks. Now I'm like “you scared? Good!  RUN BITCH RUN!”

I’m recognizing more deeply that those that are repelled from me are not a match. And that doesn’t make them bad, simply different. I am also releasing the narrative that if you have lots of friends you’re “fake”. Like bitch I’m sorry you don’t have any friends and are unable to maintain several relationships! But that meme is giving jealousy and showing your energetic limitations. I am blessed to have cultivated and maintained many close friends in my lifetime. I have several good friends that I can pick up where we left off no matter how long it’s been since we’ve seen each other physically! That’s a GIFT! I’m grateful! I learned young to develop community outside my household because I had to seek safety OUTSIDE. So, it’s ok if you keep your circle small but don’t be jelly because I have the capacity to maintain several meaningful relationships. And I understand now the ways in which I was allowing  disruption  and tension into my home space because that used to be my baseline. ABACADABRA no more of that fuckery! 

I am looking forward to this year of true Magickal integration and personal power. I know that I am a Guest House(Rumi) for all events, emotions and situations and I can alchemize it all and work with the duality this beautiful life serves us. There is no such thing as a “peaceful year” babes! The pendulum will always swing and the best you can do is move through it until you arrive at ABACADABRA and flip that shit to your favor. 

What’s your word? 

Sending love.